While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
