I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
