this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
