I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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