Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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