Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
