Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
