it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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