Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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