You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
