if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
