So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
