Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
