Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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