so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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