Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
