I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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