allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we're making bets on your personal life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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