I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
