College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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