I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
if only i could text you this smell
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
