i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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