the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry about my life...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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