I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
