When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
