If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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