i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
