Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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