Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
