so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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