A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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