Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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