Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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