My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
