I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
