about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize