i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
