hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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