When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Enjoy the penises
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
