The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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