the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
