singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
