I'm pants shitting drunk right now
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
