Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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