I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
