where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
