Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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