I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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