life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
