i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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