The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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