I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
