First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
