wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize