her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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