I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize