He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
