I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize