be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
