weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
