I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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